Stopping erectile dysfunction isn’t just a matter of having a sex life – it’s about self-respect, about feeling potent, about feeling like a man.
You may know that many women like to be penetrated by their partner as much as men like to penetrate women. This is why those experts who dismiss erectile dysfunction’s impact on the sexual dynamics between a couple have got it wrong: it isn’t enough to say that you can give your partner an orgasm by cunnilingus or masturbation – you need to be able to enter her and give her the pleasure that will come from the physical sensations of feeling your penis inside her vagina during intercourse.
Women who enjoy sex may not be too happy with a sex life that begins and ends at cunnilingus or masturbation. The power of male sexuality is very arousing for a woman, and the mutual feedback between two people who are highly aroused is an essential pert of sex. So, all of this adds up to the capacity to enjoy intercourse fully, to be in your male power and to concentrate on regaining your erections and overcoming your erectile dysfunction.
Even if you partner tells you that you erectile dysfunction doesn’t matter, you need to be aware that the likelihood is that to her it matters a great deal, and that your failure to enjoy intercourse with her is most likely to be a definite problem in the relationship.
Advice for Women: talk about erectile dysfunction with your partner!
Men often don’t want to talk about erectile dysfunction. This is because among its other effects, impotence or erectile dysfunction means a man has lost his masculinity – at least, that’s the way many people see it.
Nothing is more shameful for many men than the loss of masculinity: this means initiating a discussion is often down to the man’s partner. If, as the partner of a man who wishes to end erectile dysfunction, you want to know how he’s feeling, and to have a sensible discussion with him about ending erectile dysfunction and the effect it’s having on you, here are a few simple suggestions to smooth the path.
If you wish to encourage your man to do something about the effects of his erectile problems, make a time when you’ll discuss it together.
Open the subject up by saying that you would like to discuss your sex life, but don’t do this during an argument or when you’re both stressed or tired. Moreover, don’t start a discussion when you don’t have time to complete it, and don’t try and talk about ending erection problems during sexual activity. If you wait until he is in a calm state of mind, when his erectile dysfunction is not causing him so much anguish, you are more likely to have a productive discussion.
If you’re in a new relationship and sexual problems become obvious from the start, it would be odd not to mention this since the intimacy and success of your sexual relationship will be affected dramatically by his lack of erection.
If you’re in an established relationship, you may have more emotional history to overcome before you are able to start a discussion about this: at least, if sex is to be restored to its rightful place in that relationship.
There are some ways in which you will undoubtedly antagonize a man if you approach the subject insensitively. One of them is to tell him that the effects of erectile dysfunction “don’t matter”. Of course they matter! Nothing matters more to him than the fact that he has lost his erection! Ending erectile dysfunction is an objective in itself, but it also helps the relationship immensely.
Erectile dysfunction makes a man feel a sense of loss and grief at the loss of his masculinity – and the additional perception that his partner has failed to hear him or is not supporting him will only make things worse.
First and foremost it’s important to acknowledge his sense of diminished masculinity – and from a place where you really respect this. Also, you must be honest about how his erectile dysfunction makes you feel: disappointed, angry or sad. When you express your feelings in this way, you establish a sense of closeness and intimacy.
The way you talk when when you discuss the effects of erectile dysfunction is very important: a direct, clear and concise way of talking is most likely to be helpful in resolving problems, while (it need hardly be said) being manipulative or playing games is not.
A man with erectile dysfunction feels vulnerable and wounded, so he may be unable to take as much care of your feelings as you would like. You need to keep your power, and face the issue of erectile dysfunction clearly, since this is a big deal for both of you and you need your partner restored to full sexual capacity as soon as possible. In short, you are aiming to show your man that you care about him, and that you’ll do what it takes to help him end his sexual dysfunction.
Do you know what you yourself are feeling? Is it rejection, anger, sadness, depression, frustration, embarrassment or something else? Do you blame him – or do you blame yourself – for the erectile dysfunction?
Obviously you mustn’t bring blame into the equation: instead, explain that you are not blaming him, but you need to have an open discussion with him, so that if there is anything you should know, he can tell you without fear of an over-emotional response.
The significance of erectile dysfunction is so huge in a man’s mind that he may not be able to face it. On the other hand, he may feel some relief that he can share his pain with you; indeed, just letting him express his feelings is a major step towards ending the emotional pain. Once he’s been able to do this, you can begin to work through the problem.
Consider what may be bothering him: for example, is he fearful that he’ll never be able to have sex again? Any resistance he shows about dealing with his erectile dysfunction may have its origin in the belief that men need to be self-reliant and find a way to resolve all their own problems, but if you can work on his impotence with him as an ally, he’s going to feel much better and the two of you will have a higher level of intimacy in your relationship.
The way to deal with just about any relationship problem is to talk openly and honestly about it. The same is just as true of erectile dysfunction as of any other sexual problem. Remember that the erectile dysfunction is not his fault so be careful how you approach the discussion…….and avoid the things listed below.
With time, most men will get through their grief and work on solving their erection problems: but he may need your encouragement to do something…..if you both collude in avoiding the issue, nothing may ever happen.