|
"I love Bill, and I sure want to spend my life with him,"
said Jane, an attractive thirty-year-old accountant, "so
I don't want him to feel our relationship is threatened because of his erection
problems. I know that the more pressure I put on Bill, the worse things will be,
and I don't in any way wish to make things worse. But it does bother me." Then,
she turned to Bill, and as if saying this for the first time, said: "It makes me
so unhappy that you can't get an erection. I love you and I do indeed want to be with you. But
we have to get this sorted out."
It's obviously painful for a man to have erectile dysfunction, but it's also
very hurtful for a woman who has to witness the effects of erectile dysfunction
on not only the man she loves and their relationship, but also, of course, on
her own emotions and sense of sexual attractiveness.
|
Popping a pill seems so
simple, but while this may help him, it doesn't address the pain she feels
about his ED in the first place.
Andrew McCullough, director of
sexual health at NYU Medical Center, observes that women tend to take it
to heart: "Women internalize things -- they tend to blame themselves
first," he says, and explains that they do this because they think they
have done something wrong, or they are no longer attractive to their
partner. Of course, the truth is generally a mile away from this scenario.
ED, or erectile dysfunction,
is the inability to get or keep an erection long enough for satisfactory
sexual intercourse. Nearly all men have some level of erection failure at
some time - this can be caused by stress, depression, fatigue or it may
happen when there is no obvious reason. But when the problem becomes
chronic, the diagnosis is erectile dysfunction: and it's a common
condition. The American Foundation for Urologic Disease suggest it affects
around 18 million men in the United States.
Many cases of ED are caused by
diabetes, high cholesterol, certain medications and other physical
conditions. These are hardly the fault of a man's partner! But many women
blame themselves, suffer undue anxiety, considerable anger, hurt feelings
and wounded pride. For example, a woman may suspect her partner is
having an affair, or he doesn't find her attractive any more. She makes
coded suggestions about these possibilities, which her partner may see as
an attack, causing him to withdraw even more. The fact that he withdraws
may confirm in her mind that she is on the right track, so her anxiety and
unhappiness increase. Clearly in
a long term, committed relationship, this miscommunication can be
devastating. The couple may cease communicating on every level.
Women and ED: How to find a
balance
Many women try and stoke up
the fires of passion, by acting more erotically. But of course this just
puts him under more pressure, and makes him even less likely to be able to
get an erection. And trying hard to make love, with all the effort she can
put into it isn't, going to work either.
The right approach for most
women is to avoid feeling rejected by understanding that it isn't
personal; it isn't about the woman; and it's not even her problem. After
that, it's the same old line of attack: keep the lines of communication
open. And that means talking about it, no matter how challenging that may
be. That's a discussion that needs to take place outside the bedroom,
outside the emotional framework of the failed attempt to have sex. The
more down to earth a woman can be, the better: the more unemotional, the
more likely a woman is to get through to her man.
In fact, the secret to
discussing this is to tackle it like any other matter in a long term
relationship: just discuss it calmly. McCullough suggests that when you
think of it as a physical problem rather than an inherently sexual one,
the majority of men will be more willing to discuss it and more willing to
take their partner's support. It's also important for the woman to
reassure the man and tell him that she values the physical part of the
relationship, and show her willingness to work with him to find a
solution. Mutual friendship and non-sexual, reassuring touches, hugs and
kisses, are all-important in keeping the long term bond alive.
ED: Let it open the door to a
new sex life
In some cases, the treatment
can be quick, with Viagra, and in others it can be much slower, for
example if high blood pressure has to be brought under control. But for
the woman concerned, one thing is key: don't tell him "It doesn't matter."
Of course it matters to him - possibly more than his partner can imagine -
and this comment suggests that a woman doesn't really mind about the
erectile issues her man is having, and that can damage a man's self-esteem
even more. Instead, this could be a good opportunity to experiment, to
find new ways to remain intimate and try new ideas - even if an erection
is not involved! The way to do this is to see it as play rather than sex:
intimacy, touch, sensuality....they all count in keeping a relationship
alive.
Last of all, a man who is
irritable may also be depressed, and that will compound any erection
problems.
The secret is to keep the
lines of communication open in all circumstances, and work from your
heart. For a woman, the nurturing, supportive and intuitive skills she has
may be all that's needed to keep intimacy alive for as long as the
physical relationship is on hold. |
Obviously it can be extremely frustrating not to know how to
overcome the effects of erectile dysfunction. So let's begin with the steps you can take to begin resolving
this problem. Four fundamental conditions need to be met before a woman can begin to
work on a man's erectile dysfunction with him. The following text on erectile
dysfunction is addressed to the woman in a partnership.
1 The problem must not be so deeply rooted in sexual trauma
that you cannot address the problem without psychosexual therapy. Some sexual difficulties are so
deeply rooted that psychotherapy is needed before the approaches described here have any impact.
2 You must be willing and able to help your man, and both you and he must be
mostly free from sexual conflicts and inhibitions. If either of you are conflicted about sex,
either one or both of you may have a subconscious reason to keep the man dysfunctional
- this can be a means to avoid facing your own sexual inhibitions.
3 You need to be comfortable with your partner and your relationship. Working to overcome
erectile dysfunction requires patience, love, and understanding, and if you have unresolved
feelings of hostility, it will be impossible to help your man.
4 You need a man who is motivated to end his erectile dysfunction. You and your partner may
be able to work through his erectile dysfunction without professional help, but
be aware you may need a certified sex therapist to help get over the problem.
But in both cases, sexual problems may be worsened by emotional issues for both
of you. Even though working to solve a sexual problem can be wonderful, it may
also affect your sex life and your intimacy, and you may have some rocky times
on the way. The following text explains some of these points in more detail.
Mary was wonderful woman, very attractive, a trained
therapist, who knew all about human sexuality - so when she met John, a 45 year
old man who had a chronic impotence problem, she made it her aim in life to help
him solve his erectile dysfunction. Knowing what she did about impotence and performance anxiety,
Mary agreed with John that they would simply not have sexual intercourse until he
was able to get hard. They enjoyed lots of oral sex and foreplay, and she gave
him ample amounts of oral sex on his flaccid penis. She never complained about
the lack of penetrative sex and encouraged John to relax and gain greater
confidence. But even after nine months, John had not managed to have sex with
her. Mary was now frustrated enough to turn for help to a therapist, who
discovered that John had been molested as a child, and his erectile dysfunction
appeared to be only one symptom of much deeper emotional damage. The effects of
this sexual trauma during childhood had remained with John all his adult life. Only after this
was addressed could John begin to solve his erectile problems.
Erectile dysfunction is nearly always solvable, except when a
man has a long history of the problem with short remission periods, which
sometimes suggests the erectile dysfunction is a symptom of some much deeper
underlying psychological cause - perhaps from past trauma. If your relationship is new, and the
erectile dysfunction does not improve when you are getting accustomed to each
other, there may be a deeper problem to deal with. It is the effects of this
deeper trauma which ultimately can be more damaging than the effects of the
erectile dysfunction, since it is possible to deal with the superficial effects
of erection problems - but the deeper trauma can continue to affect a man's
capacity to enter into relationships and intimacy. The same is true if a man
does not really want to be in the relationship with you, a fact which he may
actually be keeping from you. (He may even be having an affair, where he can get
a good erection and enjoy sex.) And in many cases, erectile dysfunction has a
physical basis, so medical treatment may be necessary, but the psychological
component can always be helped with use of the exercises on this website.
If you believe that your partner has a problem you can
help him solve, think on this: do you have any unresolved sexual issues
yourself? A woman's sexual issues may affect the sexual equilibrium of any relationship.
Nicky and Malcolm's were a couple where Nicky was upset because of
Malcolm's erectile dysfunction, which he said had developed since he met Nicky.
But the more pressure she piled on him, the less able he was to keep an
erection. But Nicky's anger against Malcolm turned out to be hiding the
fact that she had never yet had an orgasm - and she was effectively blaming
Malcolm for this. Nicky had to become relaxed about sex and orgasmic and stop
worrying about the effects of her inability to reach orgasm on their sex life
before she was able to face this and help Malcolm with his
erectile dysfunction.
For one thing, unless a woman is able to enjoy orgasms during sex it may
not be very appealing for a woman, and
she may not wish to prolong the experience as would be needed if she was trying
to help a man with his erection problems. If a woman
does not have regular orgasms,
she may not be very interested in sex. Further, she may even make her partner
come quickly to get the experience over with as fast as possible. The man will
sense this at some level and it will not help his erectile dysfunction. But the
good news is that
taking responsibility for your role in the problem will always help both of you
to get healthier, better sex lives. Indeed, examining your own issues can be a good
way to encourage your man's involvement in the process.
If you don't have caring skills that can help a man work
through his sexual issues, you may not be able to help your man resolve his
erectile dysfunction. You need to be a loving partner and you need to have a
therapeutic approach - which means: first and foremost you need to feel good
about your relationship and partner, feel positive about these things, believe
it is worth going on with the relationship, and not be feeling
anger, or a desire to argue: you must genuinely want to stay together.
It's essential not to judge your partner negatively around
his sexual problem; you must not think he is any less masculine for having this
problem, and not regard erectile dysfunction as shameful. Thinking like this is
clearly unhelpful: you will not be able to work with a man on a sexual problem
if you think he is fundamentally flawed because he cannot get it up. You must
try and separate the erectile dysfunction problem from the man, and instead
think of him as a man with a sexual problem rather than as somehow being a sexually inadequate man.
Note that if you think men should always be more the sexual leader, more
sexually expert and more desirous of sex, as well as being able to show the
woman how to proceed in sex, then, you are part of the problem, not the
solution.
If you work on
erectile dysfunction with your partner, you
have to give up your own sexual needs for a while, and, for example, have sexual
intimacy with him when you are not in the mood. And besides this, you must be patient,
for change, especially around sexual issues, takes time. There are no quick
fixes, and impatience or doubt on your part can contribute to a man's sexual
anxiety. Keep your eyes on the overall objective: have faith in the future of your
sexual relationship.
And what if you are willing to help, but he does not wish to be helped? What if
he's just not interested in
solving his erectile dysfunction? He may not feel desire, he may not wish to
preserve the relationship, he may have a selfish attitude with no desire to
change. If he has lost sexual desire he may not care about getting it back. He
may have health problems and think erection problems are the least he has to
worry about. Or he may not care because you do not care. If so, he may not think he has any
sort of problem. It can take a good deal of persuasion before a man accepts
dealing with erectile dysfunction is not admitting he has a shameful problem.
Another man who is hard to persuade that something needs to be done is one who
believes he is damned as a man because he can't get it up - the man whose sexual motivation
is based on a macho concept of his cock as the centre of his being, one who
believes women are really sexual objects.
Bear in mind it's also possible that a man might think his problem will disappear by itself.
If he believes his
erectile dysfunction is a result of external stress, he will think that when the stress lifts,
he'll get his erections back.
If this is what's happening for your partner,
you may have to wait until this proves to be untrue.
If he knows he has a problem, but he's not committed enough to the relationship to
work on it, then you have a simple choice: walk away and find a new partner, or
stick with him and hope he changes. Often, a man may not wish to work on his
erectile dysfunction if he does not intend to stay with a woman long term. It's
clearly also a possibility that a man in a long-term relationship may wish to
change things - that is, change his relationship or partner, not his erectile
dysfunction. A man may realize that his erection problem is symptomatic of a deeper
issue in the relationship, and be fearful of the consequences of dealing with
it. As always, with such issues, the way to deal with them is to employ open and
honest communication.
A man may be well aware of his problem, but humiliated by the
idea of dealing with it himself, with you or with a therapist. Admitting his penis
cannot get erect is a big thing, and is possibly the most common reason a man does not
want to work on his erectile dysfunction. Many men find this so embarrassing
that they prefer to pretend the problem does not exist; and if a man fears he
may not be able to solve the problem, this emotional back drop is so powerful
that he may do everything in his power to avoid the problem, until he is totally
in despair about it.
Other pages of background information on erectile dysfunction
[ Home ] [ Stop your erection problems ] [ End your erection problems ] [ Talking about the effects of ED ] [ The effects of ED on men ] [ Effect of ED on your partner ] [ Effects of ED on self-esteem and sexual confidence ]
[
Treating, curing and preventing erectile dysfunction ]
Other sections of this website
about erectile dysfunction
[ Home ] [ Self-help treatment for ED ] [ The diagnosis of ED ] [ Erectile dysfunction treatment ] [ The causes of ED ] [ Effects of ED ] [ Treatment for ED ]
[
Treating, curing and preventing erectile dysfunction ]
|